A voice in my head
by missinoutonlife
Summary: Like she is out at sea, stranded in this boat Gibbs built. It was safe, sturdy and always there for her but then suddenly it sprang a leak. The boat sinks and as it does so she too sinks. If it dies then so would she. The boat is very much like its builde


AN: I got his idea from listening to too much Blink 182. What can I say? I love them. It's a passion. No more like a problem. You'll probably recognize basically every line in this story from random songs. I tried to piece them together as best as I could.

Gibbs is gone. Only a voice inside her head, only a memory long gone, only a face she can't remember the feel of, hands she can't remember the feel of on her, a warm body next to her missing, her heart is missing because of him.

She thought she had him forever. He is killing her, just by being gone, by not being there for her, for not holding her close, for forgetting about her.

He drinks. A lot. Trying to forget about her. He wastes his time. One hour everyday trying to forget. He knows she must be feeling the same. Lonely. Lost. Confused. He remembers that night. The night he quit. She came to his house, tried to talk him out of it. She wanted a chance to try. Try and make it work between them again. But he was too confused, to heart broken from the woken memory of his wife and daughter. He wanted to get away from her. He knew that everybody he came close to got hurt because of him. Kate was killed by his because of him, by a man that was only trying to make Gibbs suffer more. Ziva went through the pain of killing her own brother just to save Gibbs's life, a man she barely knew. Gibbs hates himself.

He remembers what it was like in the Lab. When she spoke time stopped, his heart stopped and all that mattered was her. He remembers the way her long black hair, always put up in pony tails, blew side to side. He knew he was violently in love with her and would be forever and after.

She doesn't think she can count on anybody for anything ever again. Eyes stare at her, people searching her face for what she is desperately trying to hide. The pain, the sorrow, the loneness. She drinks, knowing that one drink and the pain goes down. Shadows fill the dusty basement, illuminated by one solitary light hanging above the boat. She lies down on the boat. She feels like she is drowning. Like she is out at sea, stranded in this boat Gibbs built. It was safe, sturdy and always there for her but then suddenly it sprang a leak. Water fills the boat through the leak. The boat sinks and as it does so she too sinks. If it dies then so would she. The boat was so much like the builder of it.

Gibbs misses her. He misses being with her. Remembering the last night they were together, so long ago, before everything spiraled out of control, out of his grasp, out of his life. He thinks of that night, time and time again, analyzing what ever thing she did meant, if she loved him when she sighed his name, if she felt the same. He sat in the chair on the deck everyday, just staring at her picture, trying to remember the feel of her curves, the smell of her hair, of her body. With everyday he becomes more and more homesick, wishing he could be with her, knowing he can't. He wants to leave, in the worst possible way, so he can just see her face, if only her face and that's it, but things don't look so good on that subject. He messed things up to much. Can't figure out how he can possibly fix them.

She's never been as lonesome in her life as she is right now. She's lost without him. She never realized she could miss any one person so much.

He hopes it won't be too much longer until he can be with her again. Until he can live a sane and normal life for once. She's an angel in his nightmares.

He's a shadow in the background of her lab. An unsuspecting victim of her hatred. During those nights, with her wrapped closely to his body, she wished it would never end. She wants to at least know where he is. She can't sleep, cannot dream anymore. She needs him, always did, always will. The sick strange darkness comes creeping on so haunting every time, filling the basement. She stares, counts all the webs from all the spiders, watching them catch things and eat their insides.

He can't decide if he should call her or not. It's indecision at its worst. He wants to hear her voice. He wants to go home and stop the pain.

She falls asleep all alone. Hears his voice in the dark. She remembers loosing herself in his eyes. Her voice chokes as she says goodnight to an empty room. Her world fell apart because his did.

He curses at himself. Tells himself he can't let this kill him. He needs to let go. Needs more time to fix what he did. He talks to the ceiling as he tries to sleep. His life has lost all its meaning. He's dying in the silence. He wishes he knew if she still felt the same way.

She swears that she can go on forever. Wondering if he still loves her. She will go down, her heart will go down, as his lover, as his friend. With one kiss it began. She's afraid of being alone. She's lost without him. She leaves her room open till sunrise. Waiting for him to walk back into the room, back into her life. She hears footsteps. She must be dreaming.

This is the first thing he remembers. Her lips on his own. Now it's the last thing left on his mind. Won't go away. He's afraid of the dark, afraid of her not being there. Can she hear when he whispers her name? His heart is empty, replaced with paranoia. He doesn't know where to go. Life's only temporary. Why is this hard? Would she recognize him if he came back? Would she remember? Would she feel the same? He knows he's wrong but he can't help believing.

She's so lost. Barely there, physically and mentally all the same. She wishes she could explain herself. But the words escape her. It's too late to save her. He's here and he's too late to save her.

He stares. She's cold with disappointment. He feels like he's drowning in the room. He's the last contagious victim of this plague between them and he's sick with apprehension. He's crippled from exhaustion and he dreads the moment when she finally comes to kill his heart.

"Go away." It was the first thing out her lips. Why is she always a victim of opportunity? His lips on hers as she tries to yell at him again. She fights. Trying to push him away. It doesn't work. He wraps his arms around her. She tries not to give into the warmth his body makes. Tries not to think of how much she misses him. No she hates him. He hurt her and she hates him. She pushes him away counts and hears his angry voice of the man inside him. The one that can't hold its anger in.

He saw the look of fear in her eyes as his anger let loose. Yelling at her for rejecting him. For hurting him.

Hurting him? She hurt him? Then what the hell did he do to her? He broke her heart then stomped on it, more than a few times just for good measure. She screams at him, tells him to leave, lever her alone. There is no space left in her heart for him. Nowhere for it to stay. She gave up all hope a long time ago. She hid her broken heart and tried to let the pain die.

He can't believe her. Can't she see he's in a world of shit? He wishes she would turn her hope back on and give him a chance.

She couldn't turn her back on hope and go back inside. Her bleeding heart made it impossible. She let her bleeding heart die. She didn't want to know. Didn't want to know why he came back.

All her signals are getting lost in the ether. It's what she wants. She is a landside with a city beneath her. It's what she wants. He takes a good look, so he'll never forget it. That's what she wants. He takes a deep breath, knows he's going to regret it. That's what she wants. She's got a mission, and he's collateral damage. That's what she wants. She's the flower that they place on his casket. That's what she wants. He savors the moment cause the memory is fleeting.

She wants out. Wants out of the love she has for him. Wants to desperately let go. But she can't because she loves him too much. Too much to forget, too much to get out.

Last night came as a picture. A memory in his brain that graces his face with a smile. With good reason there was a warning sign. Her heart is a void of all passion. He wants to fill that void. Bring back the passion they had. He feels alone and tired as she turns away from him and says "I hate you Gibbs" in her sleep. He wonders if he should go back. He hopes he won't forget her.

Her head is full of memories. Most of them just useless delusions. She's sick of the boundaries. She missed him so much. She wonders if maybe he should go back. But she feels so alone and tired. Her dreams haunt her. Dreams of Gibbs leaving her, telling her it would never work. He had to go to Mexico. She hated him for that. Hated how selfish and heartless he was.

With all this he knows now. Everything in his head just goes to show how nothing he knows changes him at all. He waits for this to change instead, for this to tear itself in two. He wants another night with her. A night to make her forget any hatred she ever had for him. He's always wanting her.

With all of this she feels now. Everything inside her heart. It just all seems to be how nothing she feels pulls at her at all. Again, she waits for this to pull apart, to break in two. Another night with him. She wants to forget she ever hated him. She's always wanting him.

He stands, the cold floor freezing his feet. Picking up thrown clothes off the floor he takes one last look at her as he heads for the bathroom. He rests his head against the wall. Pounding the wall once with his hand he realizes he probably woke her. 5 minutes later he knows he woke her. He has her pinned to the wall of the shower. The hot water sliding over their skin as he shows her how much he loves her.

She hears a pound and then the sound of water running registers in her brain. He's in the shower. She stands, shivering from the cold and heads towards the bathroom. She sees his outline through the foggy shower doors. Notices how his head is rested on the wall, how his hand is above his head, how he looks in agony. She steps in the shower, surprised when he grabs her and spins her around, pinning her to the wall. She had to tell him she loves him. She has to. Now.

He stops suddenly when he hears her words. "I love you." He pulls his head up from her neck to look her in the eyes. "No don't stop." She pleads as his body suddenly fills with tension. He watches her eyes, for any sign of her lying, playing with him, purposely hurting him. All he sees is desire that matches the desire he feels coursing through his body. He thinks for a second. Sure that if he says this it will change everything. But he has to. Has to tell her. Now.

She didn't mean to say it while they were making love in the shower. Didn't mean for him to stop and stare at her after she said it. She pleads with him to keep going. She feels the tension in his body and wishes she hadn't said it. She's even more shocked at his words as he obeys her plea.

"Abby you can't possibly love me as much as I love you."

She laughs. Shakes her head and says, "Yes I do." She doesn't feel alone anymore.


End file.
